Recall on April 10th that Nancy and I not only made eye contact for the first time in months, but spoke to one another. I still believe the reason for this opening of communication had to do with my plan to leave the studio in June. What might further convince you of this, dear reader, is what happened a few days later.
On the 14th, I took my regular evening yoga class–which Nancy knew about, as I sometimes switched to early morning classes to avoid her during the challenge–and guess who showed up for the first time? Yes. Nancy.
Months later, I discovered that she reactivated her Twitter account, not bothering to block her tweets from public view, and actually said she planned to take the class that evening. Was she hoping that I’d see this? I never used Twitter much. Still, she began following my usual Monday night instructor, which still creeps me out a bit. Although Nancy and I used to take Monday night classes together, in fact, she got me into these night classes so we could be together, she hadn’t attended them in months.
There I was on Monday night, sitting on my yoga mat, and waiting for the class to begin. As I looked at the door, Nancy walked in, looked over at me and waved. I was fucking floored–my brain couldn’t even process what I was seeing in real time (ever have a moment like that?). I waved back, but was in total shock. She chose a spot near the front side of the room–convenient or otherwise–in my line of view, as I was seated in the back of the room.
After class, I picked up my mat and was the first student to exit the room. In a matter of minutes, she stepped out of the room and went to fill her water bottle up to rehydrate. This is interesting because I felt her eyes on me the entire time–wherever I stepped. I briefly spoke to one of the yogis who worked there and I could tell, from the corner of my eye, that she was listening to our conversation. Grabbing a towel, I then left that area where she was and headed to the changing area.
Upon finishing up, I came out to the cubby area–to retrieve my shoes and car keys–and I approached the door to exit. Now, she conveniently chose the cubby, to place her things, nearest the exit door. This is all still the same layout as in previous posts, folks, this place did not get remodeled between then and now (hahaha!). As I put my hand on the door, she turned over her shoulder and asked if I was leaving; she walked out with me. I was stupidly stunned.
Alone, we walked down the long hallway together; she kept her head down and avoided eye contact with me but spoke about the challenge, keeping conversation light. Upon exiting the building to the (infamous) parking lot, she said goodnight and that she would see me soon.
I stopped her. I never liked pink elephants much.
I asked her if she had a minute to talk and she obliged. She opened the conversation by asking how I was doing, to which I replied, “Not well.”
Me: “So. I guess you’re back?”
Nancy: “I only missed two weeks in January.”
Me: (I felt the need to quash her idea of “see[ing] me soon” and told her the “good” news) “Listen, I’m leaving the studio in June.”
Nancy (She turned to me, as we stood now facing each other): “Is it because of me?”
Me: “Yes. I want to tell you honestly why I’m leaving–even at the risk of seeming vulnerable–because I’m still in love with you, and because I want to see you, I can’t stay here. I’m going to a new studio.”
Immediately, her expression changed, and she asked which studio. Of course, I’m not that stupid, and responded with a vague, “A studio. It’s nowhere near you or where you live; in fact, it’s not even in a neighboring town from here.”
Nancy (seemingly frustrated): “Why do you have to leave? You have to do what’s best for you. You love it here.”
Me: “I told you why. I want to see you, and that’s a problem. Neither one of us should be in a place where it doesn’t feel comfortable. You asked me to stay away from you in January, to ‘leave you be,’ and I did. Now you’re back here.”
Nancy (I still wonder why she even said the following, in response): “Why can’t you just stay, why can’t we just be civil?”
Me: “Civil? You can’t even be in the same room with me. You don’t think I noticed that?”
Nancy: “Why can’t we just see each other in passing once in a while, here? We practically do that already.”
Me: “I can’t do that. Like I said, I want to see you. I’m still in love with you; I just want to do the right thing and stay away.”
Nancy: “I just don’t understand this. I can still care about you, but not be in love with you. I’ll always care about you.”
Me: “Could you ever love me again?”
Nancy: “No.”
Me: “Then I guess you never felt the way I felt about you. The way I loved you.”
Nancy: “No. I didn’t. I choose my family; I love Dave, we’ve been together a long time. You will be with someone else.”
Me: [silence, pain, shattered, etc.]
Nancy: “I read the letter [from D-Day]; you can’t imagine what happened after that. How horrible it was.”
Me: “Nancy, it was no great expose; he knew about me.”
Nancy: “He didn’t know everything. You can never come to my house again.”
Me: “I know that. Have I been there? No. I’m going away; I’ll move so far away you’ll never see me again.”
Nancy: “What if Lana had been there that day, when he got the letter?”
Me: “I knew she was by your parents’ house for the morning. I thought he knew.”
Nancy: “He didn’t. I take responsibility for everything. I’m sorry I broke your heart.”
Me: [I shook my head and changed the subject] “How’s Lana?”
Nancy: “She’s good; she just turned 3 and we had a party for her.” (Friends, she had a birthday party for Lana in the kids gym located in the same building as where we had our affair–fucking weird.)
Me: “I didn’t feel it was my place to acknowledge her birthday in March, but I also didn’t forget about it.” (it killed me not to wish her daughter a happy birthday; killed me)
Nancy: “Thank you. And happy belated birthday to you.”
Me: “Thank you.”
Nancy: “I have to go. I have a baby asleep at home.”
Me: “If you ever change your mind, you and your daughter can come back to me.” (I know; I’m stupid.)
We left in separate directions.